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A Cabinet of Curiosities


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Mixed Bag

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Whenever scan time rolls around, all of the familiar feelings of anxiety and stress pop up. I am the type of person who likes to do well on exams and tests, but this is not the type of test that one can study for, nor is it the type of evaluation where if I do poorly, I can request a do-over. Whatever happens, good or bad; I am stuck with the results until the next scan. That is not to say that things can not change in between scans, I just will not know until the next scan. The one thing that I have learned in the past seven years is that everything is constantly changing, nothing is permanent – even if it seems dire in the moment.

I recently had a scan to see how the TACE procedure I had in November did. Overall, the results of the TACE were quite positive. The tumour that was the most concerning shrunk a bit, some grew slightly and others were stable (!)

However, tumours in parts outside of the liver have grown in size and a couple of new ones appeared  which means that now we have to get them under control. In light of this, my oncologist spoke to my husband and I about a couple of options: either go up to 1000mg of Gleevec (which I have never heard anyone do because 800 is already very high) or switch treatments to the third line drug that is approved in Canada called Stivarga. His leaning was towards changing for the time being – so that is what I will be doing in the near future. I am not entirely sure what day, but soon.

It is confusing when getting a mixed bag of results, on one hand I am happy the TACE worked, but on the other hand I feel frustrated about the progression seen in other parts. It sort of left me feeling discombobulated for the better part of the weekend. Not because I am pessimistic, quite the opposite, just because I would like to have had some good news without the added “but…”

The side effects for this drug have been described as unfriendly, but somehow I feel better, perhaps even cautiously optimistic, about this drug than I did about Sutent; which I took in the summertime. Luckily, I have a very good team who have encouraged me to contact them should I have/feel anything concerning. I feel so protected and supported by everyone on my medical team.

In the fall, I started to change how I approached my thinking about living with gist. I had read a comment left on the Stupid Cancer FB page that completely made sense to me, about how cancer cells have forgotten how to behave properly and if you talk to them and tell them that help is on the way you approach your body with love and compassion rather than as a war zone. So, now I am more mindful about how I think, how I talk to myself and when I take my medication I tell my cells that the help they need is on the way. It is funny, but I feel more at peace with myself than I did when I was trying to do battle from within. Now, I can see the benefits of this type of thinking, I will make even more of an effort to be more mindful of my thoughts and talk to my cells more about how to behave to let them know that I am here to help and send them help.

We will see what this new adventure brings… For now, I am loving my class, looking forward to working on my thesis and doing things that “normal people” do.