laydeewinxstudiolo

A Cabinet of Curiosities


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Playing for Keeps

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Most of the time I am involved in the day to day activities of a Masters student. I am a TA, I grade papers, I research, I write papers and of course I look at a lot of art. This is pretty much my ideal career path. I love what I do, more than anything else I have done before.

Then there are days like today, when I take a moment to think about everything that has happened in the past little while. It is these times that I realize that this health stuff is for keeps. That pain or the digestive issue are going to be my constant companions for the rest of my days. For the most part, I am ok with that because – lets face it, I am here, I am able bodied and I have a really good team supporting me. At the same time, it is sobering to realize that the body that I once had will never come back, that this is what is referred to as a “new normal.” I have a really cool scar (took 58 staples to close it after surgery) along and across my abdomen that makes me look like I got into some sort of crazy knife fight and various smaller scars from other procedures and interventions that map out the different incidents and interventions that have happened to me over the past two years, but these marks are just one part of a larger story of what makes up “Me.”

I have to wonder, what my insides look like after so many interventions because much more has been done on the inside than on the outside. Scar tissue, embolizations, RFAs, necrotic tissue, radiation – these are all permanently etched into my organs and my flesh. Each mark having its own history upon my body. Each mark whether visible or not changing me, changing the way my body works, changing how I function. Each scar a reminder of things that went wrong at one point or another, marking moments where my life has been saved.

Oftentimes, people will look at me if I am seated in the metro as if to say that I am taking up the seat of someone who really might need it. Little do they know what I am hiding under my clothes, under my skin. Little do they know what my body and my mind have been through, and is still going through because this chapter of my journey is not even close to being completed.